Stop Tending That Grave

In my last blog post, I wrote about being the “Discarded Mom” and shared my estrangement from my daughter. The number of friends who reached out to say they are going through the same thing was heartbreaking. I had no idea. I had felt completely alone—but I’m not.

Have you heard the song Made for More by Josh Baldwin? One line from it has been echoing in my head for the past week. At first, I brushed it off as an earworm. But since I hadn't listened to the song recently, it began to feel like something more. Eventually, I asked, "Why? Why is this looping in my brain?" And the answer I received was, "For them." Here is the line from the song:

'Cause I wasn't made to be tending a grave

Many discarded moms grieve daily, sitting by the grave of a relationship that has been lost. For some, the mourning has lasted months; for others, it has stretched into years. There is no closure to this kind of death, because the person you’re grieving is still alive.

Grief, in general, cycles through emotions such as anger, sadness, denial, and numbness. There is no “correct” amount of time to grieve, because each person experiences it differently. But when the intense pain of grief lingers for over a year and doesn’t lessen, it can develop into complicated or prolonged grief, which may bring depression, emotional numbness, physical illness, difficulty with daily life, anger, and bitterness.

For a discarded mom, grief often carries an added layer of shame and guilt, as if we have failed as parents. The rejection from a child you carried, birthed, raised, and loved more than yourself can be unbearable. Layer on isolation, and you have a recipe for heartbreak and emotional turmoil.

Let's go back to the song. Here's a snippet I want you to pay special attention to because it's so powerful.

… 'Cause I wasn't made to be tending a grave

I was called by name

Born and raised back to life again

I was made for more

So why would I make a bed in my shame

When a fountain of grace is running my way

I know I am Yours

And I was made for more

… I know who I am 'cause I know who You are

The cross of salvation was only the start

Now I am chosen, free and forgiven

I have a future and it's worth the living

Even though our children may give us no grace and no forgiveness for being human, God does—and His grace is the only one that truly matters. He doesn’t want you tending the grave of this broken relationship, stuck in the past, reliving every mistake, regretting every decision, and stroking the pain over and over like a pet.

Too many of us get stuck here because we feel that it is all we deserve. I know—I was stuck for two years, convinced that I deserved to feel guilty, sad, and miserable. After all, why would my own child reject me if I weren’t the horrible person she claimed I was? I let her lies infiltrate my own sense of self, and I began seeing myself through the lens of her hatred. I allowed my story to go unspoken while others believed the falsehoods she had spread.

One day, while crying and berating myself yet again, I heard God say, "ENOUGH". In that moment, it was as if a weight lifted from my shoulders. I began to realize that her rejection was not a reflection of my worth—it was a reflection of her pain, her choices, and her perspective. I learned to separate her lies from my reality, to honor my own experiences and the love I had given unconditionally. Every step away from the shadow of her hatred became a step toward freedom, self-compassion, and the understanding that I am worthy of grace, love, and healing—even when others cannot give it.

God’s “ENOUGH” became a turning point. It was an invitation to release the grief I had carried like a chain, to let go of the guilt and self-blame, and to trust Him with what I could not fix. In that surrender, I discovered peace that did not depend on reconciliation or approval. I found the courage to speak my story, to protect my heart, and to walk forward with faith that love—both divine and self-directed—can fill the spaces left empty by rejection.

Momma, I want you to hear me loud and clear......

YOU ARE WORTH GRACE, LOVE, AND HEALING.

The last line of the verses I shared says I have a future and it's worth the living. It's time to stand up and walk away from that grave- there is nothing there for you any longer.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." Verse 4 goes on to say, " A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance."

Momma, it is your time to dance! It's your time to grab God's hand and hold onto His promises. Let Him reshape your view of yourself and show you how fearfully and wonderfully you are made. Let Him shower you with the grace and love you need.

It doesn't mean there won't be days when you're sad. It doesn't mean more tears won't fall when you see your child's picture and feel that emptiness, wishing you could wrap your arms around them and never let go. Each tear is a testament to your love, and each step you take toward healing is a declaration of your worth. You are not defined by rejection, sorrow, or pain—you are defined by God’s love, by the beauty of your heart, and by the strength you are discovering in yourself every day.